Depth on a Tuesday

It is a rare occasion indeed when my house is empty and I have no demands upon my time. I do whatever I want because I have the house to myself. And I know that being alone is so different from being lonely, but tonight, they were one and the same.

I rented this movie, see, and I bawled my way through it. This was no surprise to me, however, because the first time I saw it, I was in the theater and I bawled through it that time, too. Don't ask me why I do these things to myself, it's probably a wound hidden deep within my psyche that I am subconsciously suppressing. I don't even want to know.

So that's what I did tonight: I watched this movie, ate watermelon, and cried. By myself. In an empty house. During a rainstorm.

I suppose the movie's message is that you must go out and live your life regardless of what it throws at you. But honestly, it just released this deep fear inside me that the same thing could happen to me and Jesse and then I'll be really alone and really lonely. He's the one who taught me about preparing for life's what-ifs and God-forbids, and financial preparation is all well and good, but you can't prepare for death even if you know ahead of time. After all affairs are in order, I would still have to exist in a world where he is not, and I just don't think I could prepare for something like that.

All these existential feelings have left this ache in me that I can only explain as wanting to go home. And the problem with going home is that home is a really fuzzy concept for me right now. If I've learned anything this summer, it's that home has so much less to do with location and so much more to do with people. Right now, home is still with my family and my best friends, but home has also become where Jess is. Even if I wanted to keep all the pieces together, home is going to be spread out between states and people that I love and care about and no place is going to feel entirely like home. I wonder when that will change. I wonder if that will change.

Efficiency

I love to make lists. I like itemizing, checking off, watching my progress, and feeling productive. I even add things to my to-do list after I've finished them just for the satisfaction of crossing them off. I do it with packing lists, to-do lists, textbook lists; I have an entire notebook just for "listing," as I have named this hobby. Part of it is obsessive-compulsive, part of it is organized, but most of it is genetic. Oh, how you wish your mom was Organized Audrey.

But getting back to listing...I made a "Don't Panic To-Do List: Pre-Wheaton." (Its counterpart is "To-Do List: Post-Wheaton" for when I roll into town on the 23rd.) It is massive and overwhelming and kind of sends me into a panic attack. But I'm slogging through it item-by-item (what good is an itemized list if you don't follow it item-by-item?) and making headway.

I started using my planner again, and have been delightfully surprised by the stability it brings me. I've had little use for it this summer, as all my appointments (or lack thereof) have been manageable and made less than 24 hours in advance. Today I made appointments and booked travel late into September, so it's time to start writing it down.

Alas, it seems that the more items I accomplish, the more things I find to do around here. Isn't that the way it always goes? It will be a miracle if I make it back to Chicago with my brain intact.

The First Last

I wish someone had sat me down in May and said, "Hang on tight, this summer will be gone before you know it!" Then again, I probably wouldn't have believed it. I would now, though.

So many things about this summer makes it stand out in my life: The changes, the opportunities, the general feeling of difference. I've never had a summer like this one, and from what I can see of my future, I'll never have another like it. The sheer novelty makes this one worth hanging on to. And it's already wrapping up.

Today was my last day at Bethany. I technically belonged to Sales/Marketing this week, so I got to work on two Internet newsletters and I met with different people in marketing and publicity. It wasn't as thorough as I hoped it would be, but it was only 2.5 days and I still learned about the department. I went to a Creative Team meeting this morning, and while I was a perfectly mute observer, it was surreal to hear them discuss cover options for books. As a consumer, I had no idea so much effort and creative thought goes into a book cover. As an intern, I now understand that a cover can make or break sales in multiple markets.

I still handled some editorial projects on the side, too. I got to do a blue line check on a manuscript I'd read in its original format during my first week. It was a nice way to wrap up my time in Editorial. Look for A Constant Heart to hit shelves this fall - it's a great story about 17th century Elizabethan court life. I think it drops on September 1st.

General highlights from the final week:

This morning I still had a substantial amount of work to do on the newsletters, and was worried I wouldn't get it done, but in true ESFJ-fashion, I pulled it off with 7 minutes to spare.

I received a touching birthday card signed by everyone that I will treasure always. It's truly a blessing to receive support and encouragement from a team such as the Editorial department.

Charlene surprised me with a DQ ice cream cake in honor of my departure. I felt so loved (and my ego felt very puffed up).

I had a delightful conversation with Dave Lewis (one of the higher-ups in another division of Baker Publishing Group) and this morning I sent him an email thanking him for his time and for sharing his wisdom. He responded in kind, and also said if I'm ever in need of another internship I should talk to him! My business-savvy father always said it's not what you know but who you know. I'm building up my connections, Dad!

Luke, one of the line editors, encouraged me in my career aspirations and reminded me that the industry needs true disciples in secular publishing houses, not just in Christian ones. He suggested, "If I were you, in my twenties and newly graduated, I would head straight for Manhattan." And while I'm pretty sure Manhattan would eat me alive, he's got a point. From this summer at BHP, I've discovered a specific and intriguing career path with exponential potential for growth. Book publishing is a place I would feel at home at. (And don't bother trying to correct all the grammatical errors in that sentence, even editorial interns make mistakes.)

In summary, I've learned so much this summer. I've learned that I feel a little claustrophobic at a desk job, but my love for words (and putting them in the correct order with proper punctuation) has only grown. I've learned that my place is certainly in editorial, not in marketing like I'd suspected. I've learned that there is no better place to have a first internship than at Bethany House Publishers, where the people are genuine and the projects bring home the hardware! (2008 Christy Awards? BHP dominated.)

And now, just because I know Dave and Charlene will somehow stumble onto this blog, a HUGE thank you. None of what I learned this summer would have made any sense without your guidance and patience. May God bless you richly for all you've done for me this summer. What a blessing you both are.