intellectual christianity

So I joined a Theology discussion group.

Which sounds really holier-than-thou but it's totally not.

Basically, it's like this: I loved my Christian Thought class in college. I learned about history, foundations, heresies, interpretations, schisms, denominations. It was more formative than any other class in shaping who I am--period--but also who I am as an intellectual Christian.

You know, intellectual Christianity: loving Christ with your head as well as your heart. (a.k.a. for the geeks out there [like me] it's not enough to serve God with a child-like faith, I want to be able to wrap my brain around it all, too.)

A year after I graduated, plus and minus a move to Africa, I found myself craving the Calvinist v. Arminian debate again, and went looking for discussion. I found it at Southland City Church's City Groups - they have an entire one dedicated to Theology.

I totally geeked out, you guys. I realized how much I wanted to engage with theology, ask big questions, search for big answers, and be humbled in that feeling-small way when I recognize how little I understand about God.

So tonight was my first night. We discussed the "birthright" the Jews have on heaven. Are they shoe-ins because they're descendants of Abraham? Have they given that up because they rejected Jesus as the Messiah?

We scoured Scripture - and I mean scoured. We pored over words and someone with the Logos software interpreted Greek and Hebrew terms. We looked at traditional interpretations and dissenters' opinions. Incredible. This is the passage I contributed to the group: Romans 11: 25-36:

Paul addresses this seemingly huge issue (which really takes up the whole of Chapter 11, for context) and breaks it down and states God's position on the issue, only to use his last breath of the chapter to acknowledge how omniscient God is. How God's judgment cannot be known by mankind. And ultimately, how the glory goes to God, regardless of the outcome.

I just want to be like Paul.

I want to have the ability and the passion and heart to discuss really hard things (like whether or not the Jews, God's people, today will inherit the kingdom of heaven promised to their father, Abraham) and I want to do it in view of my insignificance. In view of God's righteousness and in view of my inability to know how He thinks.

Essentially, Paul lays it all out there and closes with, "But I am not God." I want to be able to do that, too, in true humility.

I have a really long way to go.

And if you ever want to join me in that pursuit, the Theology group meets on Wednesdays.

daily dose of embarrassing humor

Discovery of the YEAR:

I kept a Xanga account during my freshman year of college.

Oh my it is atrocious. I was so angst-ridden. How did I live with me?!

I'm not going to share the address with you, because I am that embarrassed, but here's some fun snippets. Let's all just laugh together. I'm nothing if not self-deprecating, yes?

"Interests: music, friends, coffee / Expertise: massages"

5/24/06: "Maybe I'll try keeping this thing updated more often. Maybe I'll start waking up before noon. Maybe I'll start running 3 miles every day. Maybe I'll be a size 6 before August. Maybe I'll be more responsible this summer. Maybe I'll make a lot of money. Maybe I'll plan out my life...at least the next 3 years. Maybe I'll receive some kind of Divine Revelation about my future. Maybe I'll take life more seriously. Maybe I'll take life less seriously. Maybe I'll bond with my brother this summer. Maybe I'll get to know my dad better. Maybe I'll quit talking to half my Wheaton friends. Maybe I'll develop my relationships here at home. Maybe I won't come home at all next year. Maybe I'll make a rash decision this summer...like choosing to pick up and fly to newhampshire to see Jayj or to newjersey to see Mattie or to texas to see... Maybe I'll learn how to be a leader amongst my peers. Maybe I'll make a lot of really good decisions this summer. Maybe I'll make a lot of bad decisions, too. Maybe I'll actually sort through all my crap. Maybe I'll just let it sit in the boxes until August. Maybe I'll cut my hair. Maybe I'll just let it grow. Maybe I'll start playing tennis. Or golf. Yeah, maybe golf. Maybe I'll be a fantastic nanny this summer. Maybe the kids will hate me. Maybe Connor will be an angel this summer...who am i kidding, maybe he'll threaten my life. Maybe I'll buy a new wardrobe. Maybe I'll get colored contacts. Maybe I'll come back a changed woman. Maybe I'll just stay the same.

Maybe."

11/23/05: "well, God continues to be good. (what a surprise) I am still an English major, but the hope is to become certified to teach ESL overseas. That's right...Maggie's gonna be a missionary."

9/12/05: "I secretly want to do something semi-destructive...dying my hair wasn't enough"

It's just so humiliating! If you were friends with me back then, thank you for sticking it out until I was less annoying. And if you dated me back then, well...bless you. That must have been a bumpy ride.

Not a coincidence

Exactly one year ago, I wrote the following in an email to Amy, my college roommate:

"You and I were talking about how I was afraid I could never get to the mission field and now I have another reason to wait: student loans. Many missions organizations I've looked at refuse to send missionaries that are in debt. I'm not saying the loans are a deal-breaker, but it's just another hurdle that God will overcome if he wants me overseas after graduation. I'm still praying. God's plans are still bigger and better than mine."

365 days later, look where I am. Oh, Lord, you're so good to me.

How much do I love Lincoln Park?

Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much.

Seriously. This weekend has been true rest for me, the weary. And it's only Saturday afternoon!

Things that make this weekend perfect: college roommates, their sweet apartment in Lincoln Park, public transportation and the number 11 bus, friends in from out-of-town, dinner and drinks at a neighborhood Irish pub, Four Weddings and a Funeral, SATC, sleeping in (!), the ferris wheel at Navy Pier, and (maybe) a Cubs game!!!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Those blessings are named Sara Beth, Sarah, Hillary, and Kristi. I am at rest.

New Beginnings

First, the obvious: I am a Wheaton College graduate! Graduation weekend was an absolute whirlwind, but my family was all in town so it was very special. Goodbyes were pretty tough, especially with the roommates. I have so taken that part of community for granted. They shaped the way I experienced Wheaton, and for that source of solidarity to end so abruptly seems cruel.

After moving out of campus housing (has it really only been 7 days?), I went on a retreat with the 6th graders from church. We had a blast with our team-building games, bonfires, girl talk in sleeping bags, capture the flag, and ghost in the graveyard. Oh, to be 12 again. The retreat was amazing, and I hope as meaningful to the kids as it was for me.

When the retreat was finished, I moved into my new digs in Elburn. It's a sweet house (I have my own room) and the couple is really cool. The first triplet came home from the hospital today, and I'm really anxious for the rest to make it home, too...can't imagine how their parents feel.

So my life looks dramatically different now than it did a week ago, and while that's overwhelming to me, I'm also looking forward to the freshness. 4 years is enough in one place for me. Time for something different.

Making Decisions

A college graduate requires 2 things: a job and a place to live. I will be a graduate in t-minus 38 days, and I currently have neither a job nor a place to live.

Four weeks ago, I wanted to be an editorial assistant living in Lincoln Park.
Three weeks ago, I just wanted to be anything full-time living in Lincoln Park.
Two weeks ago, I wanted to be an admissions counselor in the suburbs.
Last week, I wanted to sublet in Wheaton for the summer to buy myself more time.
Yesterday, I decided to move home for the summer, so at least I can have 1 of the 2.

The goal is still to move back to Chicago in August so I can be around when Jake starts college at Wheaton in the fall. I just need more time to figure things out (and to save money).
I'm excited to have a "home base" for all the weddings and graduations and summer events, and to be in some place familiar. I'm also excited to have more time with my family and best friends, and to see my little man growing up (can't believe he's talking already!).
I'm disappointed that I'll be missing out on a summer with the college roommates and having to delay the "fresh start" I want so badly. I'm ready to put down roots somewhere, as Amanda says, to establish myself as a young professional on my own, and I really want that place to be Chicago. I'm just not capable of doing that immediately after graduation.

So get ready, Minneapolis. I'm coming home on May 17th.
And stay sharp, Chicago. I'll be back.

Fear is not the natural state of civilized people.

I try really hard to not shoot daggers at the person who asks "What are you doing after college?" Sometimes I fail at this.

I wish I could say that, with less than 100 days until graduation, I know what my plans are. Oh, how I wish I knew. Everyone's telling me how many options I have, but it's that very idea that is so crippling to me. If I had only one or two really good options, I could go all Type-A and OCD and write a list of pros and cons and figure it out, even if it came down to a coin flip.

But I don't have one or two options, I have about a hundred, and last night I should have stayed up and done some more research and applied to more jobs and looked into the employers I'm meeting with on Friday, but this inexplicable terror seized me and all I could do was close my computer and go to bed. I went to bed! Because I can't deal with how my life is about to change! Does anyone else realize how counterintuitive that was?!

I am not afraid for life after college. I'm really not. I'm pretty sure I could do just about anything for the first couple years. It's the not knowing that kills me.

Not to be prideful, but...

I made the Dean's List this semester with a 3.81 semester GPA. And I'm just really proud of this achievement. It's not the first time it's happened, but this semester was especially difficult for so many reasons that I feel especially victorious.

I made an A in Journalism and Drugs & Society and A-minuses in Public Health & Nutrition, Spanish American Literature, and, most importantly, my Senior Seminar in Writing. I wish I had the time and energy to detail what exactly made each class kick my butt so thoroughly, but the fact remains: it's all over, and in the end, I won.

Welcome back, self-esteem. It's good to see you; it's been too long.

Rest

This morning, I woke up at 11 o'clock with no classes, finals, projects, papers, presentations, meetings, or appointments looming over my head.

I have finished the most difficult semester on record and I survived.

In one hour, I'm leaving Wheaton for my very last Christmas Break. I plan on sleeping a lot, spending quality time with family, and surrounding myself with friends.

Then I plan on returning to Wheaton for my last semester ever.

It feels surreal. And it feels so good.

The Missing Phenomenon

Though I hate writing 2 completely unrelated posts in one day, I've got a lot on my mind right now. I've left me no choice.

I just checked in on my (past/present/future/forever) roommate Ashley's blog, and in her most recently post she published a list of things she misses. While I heartily agree with most all the things on her list, and even copied it with the intent to paste it here in my post, I think it may be more cathartic for me to write my own. She did such a great job, though, I'll embed her list in mine. Ashy, just think of me as your personal PR rep. I'm getting your name and your ideas out there!

Things I miss: being the good kind of stressed, having a reason to write, checking in with my Admissions office moms every day, making spaghetti for 20 of my closest college friends, going to the beach for labor day ("guys, i have a new most embarrassing moment"), those stupid but endearing get-to-know-you games on the first day of class, New Testament with Huizenga, Grande Grupo and the Reunion Tour in Spanish Lit, always having a standing dinner date with the roomies, yelling out of windows (read: throwing water balloons) in Terrace, the shower caddy that always fell down, yelling "Sayrah Bayeth" an obnoxious number of times, doing group yoga at the condo in CO, shinsplints from walking to and from Terrace 4 times a day, even in the winter, Jukebox meetings, walking to Jesse's after work on Mondays and Wednesdays, Life Church with Ashley, screaming at football games, going to Macaroni Grille 10 million times, dance parties with glowsticks and Graham, almond-crusted stuffed french toast from Egglectic, $60 trips to Target, celebrating birthdays, interviews and article-writing for the Record, seeing my name in print 3 times, collapsing exhausted into bed after writing a paper or getting off work, borrowing my friends' cute clothes, the Christmas party of 1047 B3 & B4, dancing to Chris Brown and (dare i say it?) Miley Cyrus, stuffed peaches in saga, watching Project Runway on youtube, the Thursday night Office crowd, lunch right after chapel, not ever doing my homework until the last minute, Jayj falling asleep on the couch every weekend night, cramming into Amy's room in Fischer, getting free therapy from the roomies, sitting on the blue couch and crying with Ash over Into the Wild, just sitting together in the apartment and contemplating being ourselves.