on inadequacy, projects, and calling out elephants

There's a phrase we used in Nigeria: "I will deal with you ooo." It's used particularly when a parent disciplines a child, but more generically, when there's a serious conversation to be had. When a person must address someone else and it's a big deal.

God has been dealing with me, you guys.

Most recently, it's been my struggle against inadequacy in all forms. Physical, professional, relational, personal, spiritual: you name it, I've battled it within the past couple weeks. Let me just tell you, inadequacy wins these mental struggles. It wins because the struggle results in me resolving to make myself better in whatever way it is - to run a half marathon, to be more holy, to listen more, to take on more responsibility at work without losing grasp on my relationships, etc. Because clearly, the goal is to become something perfect: something God, and my parents, and my boss, and my friends, and even I can be proud of. Something fantastic and phenomenal.

Then I show up for church on Sunday night, where the message is titled: "Transformed: My (God's) Masterpiece."

Oh heyyyy, God. You have my attention.

Steve Wiens from Open Door shared. I cried. It was exactly what I needed to hear. He borrowed from John Ortberg here, but these words flashed up on the screen:

Your life is not your project.
Your life is God's project.
God thought you up.
God knows what you were intended to be.

God is dealing with me ooo.

Steve called out the sin when he said that we focus on making our life--our project--acceptable to other people. Because it matters to me what they think. It becomes a full time job, he said. Because the inadequacy and the comparing myself is always there. Except that it's not my project. God is doing the work. Because I'm his project, his masterpiece. And he's not finished with me yet.

I very nearly ran to the communion table, where I knelt and surrendered my project (myself) to God. I can't do it anymore, but he is so capable. He is capable in my inadequacy and in my fears.

My best friend Laura reminded me tonight that fears are elephants in the room. My fear of inadequacy has been hanging out in the corner for far too long, growing bigger, not smaller, with each resolution I make to be better and more perfect.

So here I am, naming the elephant--Inadequacy--and stripping it of its power. I am not inadequate because I'm not even my own. I belong to Jesus Christ, my identity is found in Him, and he makes me worthy. There's a lot of power in that, and I'm going to say it until I believe it, all the way into my soul.

I told you God was dealing with me.