When I was younger [read: homeschooled], we volunteered at a local nursing home. I helped with Bingo on Tuesday mornings and then with beach ball exercise in the afternoon. It was state-of-the-art, top-of-the-line, fantastic health care. I remember how certain residents came to remember us and look forward to our visits. With other residents, though, we introduced ourselves every week for 3 years. I haven't spent much time in one/around one since then.
Today, I went back. And this time, it was different. Today, it was my grandma in that nursing home.
It felt so familiar. The decor was mauve, beige, and teal. It smelled like old people. The constant beeping signaled CNAs that someone needed help, or had gotten out of their chair, or walked out a door.
Grandma's eyes lit up when we walked in the room. She definitely knew she had company, but she didn't know who we were. Well, she nodded that she knew us, but didn't know our names. My grandma didn't know my name. That's a heavy thing to deal with.
I got to feed her a snack. It was just a brownie and lemonade, but there was something so existential in that moment. When I held the spoon to her mouth, I said, "Open up, Grandma." It shouldn't be that way. That's what you say to a baby. That's what she said to me when I was a baby. I am 20, she is 75 and it didn't feel like anyone was acting their age.
She mimics facial expressions. She can raise her eyebrows, smile back, wink. There were several moments when I saw "the old Grandma." She's thinking so hard - you can tell, she furrows her brow really hard - but all that comes out are mumbled words. She'll start a very coherent thought, like today, "Opa [her grandfather] was a big..." and trail off. I tried to get her back on the trail: "Opa was a big what, Grandma?" And she just searched my face. She lost that thought - it got away from her, down some rabbit trail in her brain, along with all the others.
I can't decide if it's worse to lose someone altogether or to lose all the things that make them someone.
3 comments:
Maggie - I love you! Hang in there with all of this. I've been there before with my grandmother and I remember how hard it was.
I can't tell you how much it meant to have you there with me on Sunday. Grandma loves us all so much but just isn't able to express it anymore. Keep praying for her...and grandpa.
What a hard thing... I visited my grandpa in the hospital after his heart failure, and it was so strange to hold a straw to his mouth and help him eat. But it's a beautiful thing to know that souls never die, and that she is still in there somewhere! No matter how far gone her brain is, her soul can still know the love of God. :)
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