on other people's transitions

So, obviously, transition is a big theme of my life. So much so that I'm wondering when I won't find myself in transition. But in all my self-absorption and focus on my own transition, I forget that others are in transition, too. I'm remembering that their transitions can affect me, often in very bittersweet ways.

Exhibit A: Kathryn Rose moved to Florida yesterday.

Kitty and I have known each other since nineteen-ninety-I-can't-even-remember. She has been a constant, faithful friend through middle school & high school, when I moved away to college, when I moved away to Africa, when I moved back to the US, when I moved into the room across the hall.

Now Kitty has moved away to Florida, and although she's left behind reminders of her presence (read: Fluffy the cat, who sleeps next to me even when it's 95 degrees upstairs), it is my turn to be a friend-from-afar, as Kitty has been to me since we met.

My favorite memories will always be...

the weekend she and Ashley came to visit me at Wheaton in the fall of 2006,

Heather's bachelorette party summer 2009,

the birthday party she and Ashley planned for me last summer ("Raise your hand...")

and of course, the past 4 months of adventures living with her and Ash in the best townhouse in the world, including broken A/C upstairs and mice on the kitchen counters.

Also of note would be the number of times Kathryn has dressed me (often in her own clothes), like this rockin' outfit of hers I wore on the most important night of my life:
Kitty, you are so courageous. God will go before you, behind you, and with you. I pray your transition from Minnesota to Sarasota is smooth sailing, friend. I love you tons, miss you already, and plan to make a visit when the weather here is crappy!

Life changes so fast.

This past weekend was full of love and friends, good food, and lots of rest for me. It ended abruptly with the loss of my job this morning. I feel quite sideswiped as I have worked very hard the past 2 weeks to make this opportunity a success, and then to have everything change so suddenly is very unnerving to me.

All that said, this is a good decision. It wasn't a good fit or a healthy environment for me to remain a part of, and I am looking forward to see how God will make this interesting. He certainly has my attention now...

Not sure yet if I'll be staying in Chicago. A lot depends on if I can find employment in the next couple days. I might head home for a while during the wedding season and then make my way back to this place I've come to love so much.

God is still faithful. Still.

How much do I love Lincoln Park?

Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much.

Seriously. This weekend has been true rest for me, the weary. And it's only Saturday afternoon!

Things that make this weekend perfect: college roommates, their sweet apartment in Lincoln Park, public transportation and the number 11 bus, friends in from out-of-town, dinner and drinks at a neighborhood Irish pub, Four Weddings and a Funeral, SATC, sleeping in (!), the ferris wheel at Navy Pier, and (maybe) a Cubs game!!!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Those blessings are named Sara Beth, Sarah, Hillary, and Kristi. I am at rest.

Making Decisions

A college graduate requires 2 things: a job and a place to live. I will be a graduate in t-minus 38 days, and I currently have neither a job nor a place to live.

Four weeks ago, I wanted to be an editorial assistant living in Lincoln Park.
Three weeks ago, I just wanted to be anything full-time living in Lincoln Park.
Two weeks ago, I wanted to be an admissions counselor in the suburbs.
Last week, I wanted to sublet in Wheaton for the summer to buy myself more time.
Yesterday, I decided to move home for the summer, so at least I can have 1 of the 2.

The goal is still to move back to Chicago in August so I can be around when Jake starts college at Wheaton in the fall. I just need more time to figure things out (and to save money).
I'm excited to have a "home base" for all the weddings and graduations and summer events, and to be in some place familiar. I'm also excited to have more time with my family and best friends, and to see my little man growing up (can't believe he's talking already!).
I'm disappointed that I'll be missing out on a summer with the college roommates and having to delay the "fresh start" I want so badly. I'm ready to put down roots somewhere, as Amanda says, to establish myself as a young professional on my own, and I really want that place to be Chicago. I'm just not capable of doing that immediately after graduation.

So get ready, Minneapolis. I'm coming home on May 17th.
And stay sharp, Chicago. I'll be back.

Psychologizing Myself

Psychologize, v.: to explain behavior in psychological terms. As in, "I'll tell you something, but don't psychologize it too much."
-- The Maggie Thomas Dictionary of Living with Psychology Majors

It should figure that in a relationship, you learn more about the other person than you do about yourself. (Don't test that thesis, it may not hold up, but it sounded good in my head). In my relationship, there was very little self-discovery, but the past month of singleness has been jam-packed with it.

Things I've learned about myself:
It is far more likely that I will blame myself for failure of any kind than take the appropriate amount of responsibility.

The women in my life are a life-giving support system. They hold up the mirror that reflects myself back to me, and interpret what I see or don't see.

All I really need is another person to come alongside me and light a fire under my butt once in a while. (thank you, sara beth).

I've found the disconnection between heart and head permeates every part of me, and learning to connect the two will be my lifelong challenge.

Memory has a powerful hold on me, and while that hold may never lessen, covering old memories over with new ones is my immense source of joy.

I've identified the 3 most important men in my life (Grandpa, Dad, & Jake), and in stepping up and stepping in, they have redeemed my sense of security.

Motivation comes easily when I set small goals for myself. I respond best to baby steps, one day at a time.

Things I learned that I didn't want to know but will make me a better person:

I'm a jealous person, especially of other's success.

I lack self-discipline, especially when it comes to working out. Pep Talks to yourself on the elliptical machine seem to remedy this, however.

I am overly critical, of my writing in particular, but also of unchangeable outcomes.

I am judgmental of other people. This is the worst one.

I am weak and imperfect, but I am a work in progress.

Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. -- Philippians 1:6

Goal of the week: run the Wheaton College Indoor Triathlon on President's Day (February).

after all we're only human

My roommates and I are attending a breast cancer benefit in the city next week, and Jon McLaughlin is performing. I was looking up some of his older songs tonight, and I ran across this one, Human. It perfectly sums up this stage of my life, and I found myself strangely encouraged.

Can you tell me how we got in this situation,
I can’t seem to get you off my mind,
all these ups and downs,
they trip up our good intentions,
nobody said this was easy ride.

After all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
after all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’ after all

Can we get back to the point of this conversation,
when we saw things through each others eyes,
cause now all I see is ruin and devastation,
we all need some place we can hide inside.

I’m smart enough to know,
that life goes by,
and it leaves a trail of broken hearts behind,
if you feel I’m letting go,
just give me time,
I’ll come running to your side.

The Missing Phenomenon

Though I hate writing 2 completely unrelated posts in one day, I've got a lot on my mind right now. I've left me no choice.

I just checked in on my (past/present/future/forever) roommate Ashley's blog, and in her most recently post she published a list of things she misses. While I heartily agree with most all the things on her list, and even copied it with the intent to paste it here in my post, I think it may be more cathartic for me to write my own. She did such a great job, though, I'll embed her list in mine. Ashy, just think of me as your personal PR rep. I'm getting your name and your ideas out there!

Things I miss: being the good kind of stressed, having a reason to write, checking in with my Admissions office moms every day, making spaghetti for 20 of my closest college friends, going to the beach for labor day ("guys, i have a new most embarrassing moment"), those stupid but endearing get-to-know-you games on the first day of class, New Testament with Huizenga, Grande Grupo and the Reunion Tour in Spanish Lit, always having a standing dinner date with the roomies, yelling out of windows (read: throwing water balloons) in Terrace, the shower caddy that always fell down, yelling "Sayrah Bayeth" an obnoxious number of times, doing group yoga at the condo in CO, shinsplints from walking to and from Terrace 4 times a day, even in the winter, Jukebox meetings, walking to Jesse's after work on Mondays and Wednesdays, Life Church with Ashley, screaming at football games, going to Macaroni Grille 10 million times, dance parties with glowsticks and Graham, almond-crusted stuffed french toast from Egglectic, $60 trips to Target, celebrating birthdays, interviews and article-writing for the Record, seeing my name in print 3 times, collapsing exhausted into bed after writing a paper or getting off work, borrowing my friends' cute clothes, the Christmas party of 1047 B3 & B4, dancing to Chris Brown and (dare i say it?) Miley Cyrus, stuffed peaches in saga, watching Project Runway on youtube, the Thursday night Office crowd, lunch right after chapel, not ever doing my homework until the last minute, Jayj falling asleep on the couch every weekend night, cramming into Amy's room in Fischer, getting free therapy from the roomies, sitting on the blue couch and crying with Ash over Into the Wild, just sitting together in the apartment and contemplating being ourselves.