on trying so hard

I spent a good chunk of my Sunday at that bastion of commercialism, Mall of America. Granted, I had a really good excuse (finding shoes to get married in!) but 4 hours of speed-walking around strollers, tourists, and old slow people with nothing to show for it at the end was exhausting.

While in a certain upscale department store's dressing room, I overheard two little girls in the dressing room across from me. Let me clarify: they were likely about 12 years old. Now that I'm double their age, they qualify as little girls.

(What's that, you say? You thought I was shopping for shoes? Yeah, well, I found some dresses I wanted to try on. Not the point.)

So I can hear them in the dressing room. They're trying on dresses. Helping each other get zipped in. Chatting endlessly. And then I actually start eavesdropping listening.

They're trying so hard to talk like grown-up women.

Girl 1: I just have 2 dresses left to try on.
Girl 2: Yeah, me, too.
Girl 1: And then we can go try on teen dresses. I could tell you really wanted to try on teen dresses, but I just really wanted to try on these gowns.

(later)

Girl 1: You're so lucky you have a strapless bra.
Girl 2: I bought it from Victoria's Secret.
Girl 1: My mom doesn't let me buy fancy underwear or bras. She always asks me, "Who are you showing your underwear to?" Like, mom, I'm not showing it to anyone! I believe in a strong foundation.
Girl 2: I bought a bra once for $36. My mom told me I couldn't wear it to school. She said it wasn't appropriate. I was like, "Mom! I bought this with my hard earned money!"

(later)

Girl 1: Ooooooh this is like a wedding dress! I thought this store didn't sell wedding dresses!
Girl 2: You be the bride and I'll be the bridesmaid. Dum, dum, da-dum...
Girl 1: I can't wait til I get to go wedding dress shopping someday.

Oh, sweetie. It will be here before you know it.

As I was listening to their conversation, it struck me how anxious we are to grow up. How hard we try, even subconsciously, to sound older, more adult. How easily we mimic the words and phrases we hear adults use because that is the external indicator of adulthood. I say "we" because I'm confident it was me in that dressing room, 12 years ago, trying ever so hard to not be 12.

on being in D.C.

The last time I'd been in D.C. was ten years ago.

Ten years.

That's a long time ago. As in, pre-9/11 long time ago. As in, the last time I was in D.C., I was in 8th grade, had a penchant for graphic tees, and thought my blunt-cut bangs were the height of fashion. As it turns out, bold fringes are back in a big way. Ironic.

I was pretty excited to get back to D.C. in my adult body. To see things with adult eyes. To spend time with Jon, his sister, and his friends, who are all quickly becoming my friends, too. (I'm pretty sure he doesn't mind sharing.)

Recommended: renting bikes from Capital Bikeshare. We biked along the Rock Creek Park trail, around the monuments and the Mall.

We stopped in at the Air and Space Museum and the Museum of American History. We tried to see the White House but somebody was coming home, so it was blocked off. We cooked dinner all together, ate cupcakes, watched some Duke/UNC basketball, laughed at SNL, and went to Capitol Baptist Church Sunday morning.

That? That is real life with friends. Though not representative of everyday life nor sustainable in any sense, this weekend was a ton of quality time with quality people. I'm feeling extra blessed this morning.

P.S. Note the absence of graphic tees, FBI sweatshirts, and glasses. Growing up is awesome.

on what makes us adults

This will be brief. I really should be packing (this weekend: D.C.!).

It won't take long to steal someone else's words and post them here for our mutual benefit.

In the past six weeks, there have been a number of events that I would ordinarily classify as "adult things." A slew of things come to your mind when I say that, right? Things like divorce, job loss, unexpected death, miscarriage, terminal illness, foreclosure, infidelity, depression, existential crises, addictions, etc. etc.

I've seen so many of those kinds of things occur in the lives of my friends and loved ones in the past six weeks, and frankly, it makes me want to throw my hands up and walk away. Following yet another tragic loss a few weeks ago, I asked Jon how we were even remotely old enough for all this. His response?

"This is how someone becomes old."

He's got a point. This is what makes us old. And wise. And tougher than the tough stuff life throws at us.

I just wish it was more of an easier process, and less of a trial by fire.

except I really do like it here

On the heels of yesterday's bittersweet post, please allow me to temper the bitter with more sweet. I truly didn't mean that I would rather be in Africa right now than stateside. Here's a quick indication that I'm grateful to be where I am:

Miami 2011

Vacations are where it's at, yo. I accompanied Jon on his work retreat and while he was in professional programming, I was on the beach, in the gym, at the spa, or by the pool. We also went sailing in Biscayne Bay. First time off since Thanksgiving (I worked Christmas Eve, trying to get the college open!) and I feel so very refreshed following our return.

Another reason I'm grateful to be on this continent? Girls' night tonight with some of my dearest friends, both old and new. We're getting our spa on. There will be chocolate brownies. And mango mousse. Please, no photos.

i have a knack for embarrassing myself

Just because y'all are special

and just because it's my hundredth post

and just because I'm feeling generous and more than a little self-deprecating

but mostly just because I write whatever I want on this blog anyway....

Tonight, I'm going to tell you a story.*


Once upon a time (because that's how these things always start), there was a well-meaning girl with a heart of gold and honest intentions. Sure, sometimes she did brainless things like accidentally resending text messages to an ex-boyfriend, or losing her keys in a restaurant and not realizing it for approximately 7 hours, or oversleeping twice in two weeks, or even keeping an absurdly overemotional online journal throughout her early years of college.

But truly, this girl meant well. She tried to do the right thing in loving God and loving people. She tried to encourage them and point them back to a gracious God. It's just that sometimes she did stupid stuff.

Or, rather, does stupid stuff. Still.

Because this morning, this girl with the good intentions was supposed to get up at 5:15 to take her wonderful boyfriend to the airport so he could go spend the holiday week with his sister and his college friends. And she really wanted to be a help to him and getting up early on her day off was the least she could do. But even in that, she failed.

Due to a number of outside circumstances including, but not limited to: not going to bed early enough, setting the alarm for PM instead of AM, and--lest we forget--leaving her phone in her desk at work, our little Miss Congeniality failed to wake up until 7:15am, which was more or less the takeoff time for her boyfriend's flight.

Kai.

Thankfully, Mr. Wonderful made his flight, due to a great friend who has proved, once again, that he is great at coming through in the clutch. Not to mention that Mr. Wonderful has been nothing but gracious and forgiving about the whole mess. Which makes our well-meaning girl feel a bit less terrible.

But only a tiny little bit.

*This story may be my measly attempt at penance.

the hump that is wednesday

Following the overwhelming cuteness of that last post, how's this for a dose of reality?

I overslept this morning. Meant to get up at 7:30. Looked at the clock at 8:42.

Aaaand this whole being-an-adult thing gets thrown under the bus just. like. that. Embarrassing.


[I was only 10 minutes late to work. I love my job and my 2.5-mile commute.]

a few of my favorite things

[This post has some incredible photography, none of which is mine. Thank you, Marjorie Howell.]

Once upon a time, it was October.

Which is probably my favorite month of my favorite season. For a lot of reasons. October brings changing leaves, harvest time, birthdays, crisp weather, and tiny whispers of winter.

It also brings apple picking, which is probably the most delightful activity there ever was.

If you plant me a Cortland apple tree, I'll love you forever. Fact.

So this weekend, I went to an orchard.And I picked. And I ate. Well, we ate.

And we took pictures and laughed.

Oh, did we laugh."We" being me and three amazing people that God has seen fit to bless me with.
How it makes sense, I don't know; but I am grateful.

It was the most enchanting day I've had since coming back from Nigeria. By far.

It is true that life also goes through seasons. Some are filled with trials and pinching and stretching. Other seasons, like this one, are filled with innumerable joys. The differences between today and 365 days ago are vast, but my trust is in the same God, who is still faithful, still in control, and still blessing me.

Here's to a new season, which coincides nicely with my favorite season.

All pictures courtesy Spencer and Marjorie Howell. Thanks, you two.

intellectual christianity

So I joined a Theology discussion group.

Which sounds really holier-than-thou but it's totally not.

Basically, it's like this: I loved my Christian Thought class in college. I learned about history, foundations, heresies, interpretations, schisms, denominations. It was more formative than any other class in shaping who I am--period--but also who I am as an intellectual Christian.

You know, intellectual Christianity: loving Christ with your head as well as your heart. (a.k.a. for the geeks out there [like me] it's not enough to serve God with a child-like faith, I want to be able to wrap my brain around it all, too.)

A year after I graduated, plus and minus a move to Africa, I found myself craving the Calvinist v. Arminian debate again, and went looking for discussion. I found it at Southland City Church's City Groups - they have an entire one dedicated to Theology.

I totally geeked out, you guys. I realized how much I wanted to engage with theology, ask big questions, search for big answers, and be humbled in that feeling-small way when I recognize how little I understand about God.

So tonight was my first night. We discussed the "birthright" the Jews have on heaven. Are they shoe-ins because they're descendants of Abraham? Have they given that up because they rejected Jesus as the Messiah?

We scoured Scripture - and I mean scoured. We pored over words and someone with the Logos software interpreted Greek and Hebrew terms. We looked at traditional interpretations and dissenters' opinions. Incredible. This is the passage I contributed to the group: Romans 11: 25-36:

Paul addresses this seemingly huge issue (which really takes up the whole of Chapter 11, for context) and breaks it down and states God's position on the issue, only to use his last breath of the chapter to acknowledge how omniscient God is. How God's judgment cannot be known by mankind. And ultimately, how the glory goes to God, regardless of the outcome.

I just want to be like Paul.

I want to have the ability and the passion and heart to discuss really hard things (like whether or not the Jews, God's people, today will inherit the kingdom of heaven promised to their father, Abraham) and I want to do it in view of my insignificance. In view of God's righteousness and in view of my inability to know how He thinks.

Essentially, Paul lays it all out there and closes with, "But I am not God." I want to be able to do that, too, in true humility.

I have a really long way to go.

And if you ever want to join me in that pursuit, the Theology group meets on Wednesdays.

where credit is due

My embarrassing post from yesterday really has another story. And I need to tell the other side of that story. It's far better, and more redeeming, than my stupidity.

So yes, I lost my keys. But in those precious few minutes of sheer panic ("Oh my gosh they could be anywhere in downtown Minneapolis!"), I had some really amazing people on hand.

Everyone, meet Spencer, Marjorie and Jon. ::Hi, guys:: Yes I used their real names and if they hate me forever and wish to remain anonymous and protect their internet identity, I'll just change their names to something really unbelievable like Bullwinkle or Guadeloupe.

OKAY. Not the point of the story. So I kinda tweaked a little when I lost my keys and maybe pulled at my hair and bit my lip really. hard. and muttered bad things under my breath. But there were really only two options: look for them and cry about it or look for them and laugh about it. And really only one of those is even remotely desirable.

So we looked. They dumped out bags of newspapers and pulled the cushions off their furniture and got down on the floors and shook coat pockets and hugged me and reassured me that it would be okay and we all checked my purse over and over and over. And in the middle of it all, someone cracked a joke. And we laughed. And it wasn't so terrible. And it was mostly okay. Which is what amazing friends are for.

BUT WAIT. It gets better.

Because when we resigned ourselves to the idea that the keys would not, in fact, be found that night, my thoughts turned to how I would get home. And just like that, Spencer goes, "You can take the Taurus." Just. Like. That. Not enough to offer to take me home, but to let me take one of their cars.

This is what amazing friends do. They put forth more effort than necessary. They give more than the standard permits. They complicate their own lives (however slightly) and go down to one car per family to help the idiot that lost her keys. And we laugh about it. Together. I am so inspired by these friends I have. And grateful. And humbled. And reminded that this is, once again, what it means to do life together.

This is community. And it is beautiful. And accepting of idiots like me.

speaking of adulthood

I feel I entered adult world in April of 2009, when I bought a car, car insurance, and health insurance in the span of 3 days. It was like whiplash, growing-up style.

Since then, I find myself very absorbed in the world of finances, namely paying bills, which for me, include student loans, car loan, cellphone, and credit cards.

In the spirit of things, then, I want to share some tips and helpful hints I've learned along the way...even though "the way" has been relatively short. I also happen to be unemployed and uninsured, so I've learned some great money-saving tips there, too.

Loans: Many lenders have online resources for borrowers including, but not limited to, online repayment, automatic payment/debit, and ebilling/paperless billing. All 5 of my students loans and my car loan deducted monthly from my checking account and I'm paperless on most of them. One of my loan holders (is that a real term? loan holder? lender? bank?) offers me a .25% discount on the high interest rate of my loan for paying automatically. They get their money, I get a lower interest rate. Score.

Cellphone: Again, paperless and auto debit options here. I'm with Verizon, and although I would not necessarily recommend suspending your service were you to temporarily relocate to Nigeria or something, there are other options available. The most favorable options exist for members of the Armed Forces. Regardless of your serviceman/woman or civilian status, most carriers will bend over backwards to ensure you continue your service with them. Be empowered by that knowledge and use it to your advantage...it's called consumer savvy!

Insurance: If possible, avoid paying the month-by-month premiums. Instead, pay all 6 (or all 12) months' worth of premiums at once. Almost all insurance companies offer a discount if you pay all at once...and it's usually pretty hefty!
My car insurance carrier, Progressive, also offers a unique premium discount called Snapshot/MyRate. The device is plugged into a car's data port, records info about driving habits (miles driven, time of day, and braking style) and transmits it back to Progressive. After 30 days of driving, I'll be notified if I receive a discount--up to 30%!--applied to my rate from the start of my policy.
Another common insurance discount is keeping multiple policies (health, home, auto, life) with the same carrier. Check to see if your carrier also offers any special discounts.

Doctor's visits: I've been without dental insurance for a while now, but my dentist's office offers a 5% discount when you pay in full at the time of your visit. That may seem trifling up front, but consider that over the past several years, I've saved $480 with that discount!

Upon my return from Nigeria, I scheduled an appointment with my internist. You know, checking for malaria, parasites, the usual. He gave me a prescription for acne cream (just keepin' it real, guys), but the pharmacy wanted $179 for the generic. I got news for ya, my face isn't worth $179.
I used Fairview Health System's MyChart, an online tool for record-keeping and doctor-patient communication, to email my doctor and ask for a cheaper script. 3 days later, I got a call from the pharmacy, telling me my $30 prescription was ready for pickup. Wham, bam, thank you...Dr.Wycoff.
Don't be afraid to ask about pricing or to tell your doctor when you can't afford a particular procedure or prescription. They may be able to offer a money saving alternative.

I've already written about how much I love my optometrist, but I love her even more after today. My eyes are still healing from the blisters I brought back from Nigeria, but I'm ready to phase back into contact lenses. I asked for a more affordable option, and she suggested one that will save me up to a third of the cost, especially if I don't wear lenses every day.


I'm just getting started in my quest for discounts...what are some of your favorites? Which are the "best-kept secrets" of the adult life?

who am i?

I don't know what happened. I don't know what snapped, or clicked, or popped, or [insert onomatopoeia here].

I have become a person I know not of.

I'm talking about that moment where you finally begin to process that you have, indeed, left childhood. That you are, unbelievably, an adult. No qualifiers, no "to an extent", no "occasionally" or "sometimes." You just know: this is what adults do, and I'm one of them.

It did not happen when my student loans came due. It did not happen when I realized I can pay off my car loan (hooray!). It did not happen when I bought a shirt whose tag reads "Dry Clean Only."

We're getting warmer, though.

Because it did happen in my room. Yes, my friends. The moment I realized I'd become an adult occurred right here in the space that is all mine (save for the family's ironing board in the corner).

I have somehow become a person who makes her bed. Who puts things in drawers...and not just any drawer - no, no...the right one. I'm a person with a file box that functions perfectly. I hang my clothes facing the same direction, I iron my skirts, and I keep all my African clothes together in a hanging shelf system.

I pick up my room each night before bed because I don't enjoy blindly navigating the mine field of throw pillows, high heels, purses, dirty clothes, and the occasional book first thing in the morning.

Who am I?

The fun answer is "my mother's daughter." Because the truth is that I become more like my mom every day I move around on this planet.

But the truer answer to that question is that I'm just growing up. I'm putting childish things behind me, and finding new ways to take control of my own life. It starts with dry-clean only dress shirts, and the next thing you know, it'll be a job.

Oh come on... you didn't actually think I could write a post with no mention of my job search, did you?